After making two trips to the hospital to deal with my delusions I was finally released for a second time in the spring of 2018. I would still find myself thinking about the nature of love and my god but in a less frenzied pace. I was taking medications to prevent my thoughts from racing. Those thoughts were focused on family, and friends and I was starting to make much more progress in fleshing out my beliefs which I will discuss in later posts.
Although I continued to contemplate and form beliefs, the difference this time was I was also able to make room to contemplate the everyday as well: What time do I need to pick up the kids? What should I make for supper? That carpet needs to be vacuumed. The water bill needs to be paid. These are the realities which kept me, and continue to keep me, grounded.
But it was during that journey back, when a balance was just beginning to be restored to my life, that I started to question whether my mental illness was responsible for everything: the feelings, the message, the visions. Whether artifacts that I had previously attributed to The Divine were merely concoctions of my own deluded mind. I then recalled the actual delusions I had in the hospital and it all left me badly shaken and uncertain. What was real and what was not? Then came the horrible feeling of whether I put my family through a traumatic experience that could be completely delusional. All of these thoughts made me deeply sad. I lost close to 40 pounds and was diagnosed with clinical depression.
It was then, during this major depression brought on by my own doubts, when I believe The Greatest Love, spoke to me for a second time. They said:
It’s going to be ok
At a time when I was taking medications for bipolar disorder, anxiety, psychosis, and depression, the awesome feeling had returned. It was just as powerful, just as real as it was the first time when I was on no medication. The medications had no impact on The Greatest Love’s ability to communicate with me.
And this brought me great joy. It made me believe that the previous message and visions were not concoctions. Not something from my mind that could be medicated away. They were real and The Greatest Love had never abandoned me.
I believe They spoke to me this second time in order to soothe my ailing soul. To help renew my faith in Them along with the previous message and visions. This second message would mark the beginning of the end of my depression. Within a couple of weeks of the second message being revealed I was well on my way to recovery.
But there is more. I thought about Their words for some time. Like the second vision I now believe the words were not just meant for me. That my doubts and depression were mirroring a wider malaise in our World. And that Their words were meant to bring solace to a much larger audience than just me.
I believe the words were meant for my children. And their children. And more. I believe, the words were also meant for our World and it’s future generations.
In a World where we are bombarded with stories of hate, destruction, and violence we must realize that there are far more acts of love that go by unnoticed. Yes our World has real problems: climate change is real and already causing tremendous damage, extremists are forgetting about love and focusing on hate and intolerance, authoritarian regimes are failing to implement free and fair elections, and more.
But there are also many good and loving people fighting those battles. Their heart is in the right place and that is power. Now what is needed is that same love but on a global scale to fight those global problems. And I believe we will be ok. That’s not to say there won’t be changes and challenges. There has to be. But the end result, I believe, will be beautiful.
A Love Story 