Visions for me were extremely powerful. I have had only two in my life and both are described in this blog. They were as vivid as reality yet completely detached from it. I knew what I was seeing was not real but still the images were so vivid that my mind raced to understand them. It is in trying to understand those images that many of my beliefs were formed.
One may argue the visions were mere fabrications of a deluded mind and held no special significance. I can understand that opinion but I also disagree. The visions held meaning for me which persists to this day. However in trying to extract that meaning my mind veered into dark corners where no person should want to tread. Psychosis and delusions lay there and this post is about one of those dark corners.
The second vision came at the end of the most extreme manic episode I have ever had. I had been awake for approximately five days working out thoughts in my mind. I have learned that for me, to stay awake for that amount of time, requires racing thoughts. This episode was no exception although the thoughts up until the vision remained sensible despite my lack of sleep. The second vision however changed things quickly and dramatically.
The second vision caused my racing mind to race even faster in order to make sense of it. I knew what I was seeing but my thoughts quickly switched to how I alone could accomplish it. It was the first of two delusions that were spawned by my attempts to rationalize the second vision, and helped to account for my first and only medical diagnoses of psychosis.
Now one person cannot physically traverse the vastness of interstellar space to bring multiple planets together and thereby form a single space-faring civilization. It takes many people of many nations, millennia, if not much much longer, of technological and societal advances to do that. I understood this, but in my psychotic state it seemed like They wanted me to have an initial leadership role in such an endeavor. But I was struggling with how that would be possible. For me the vision was pure. I believe to this today that it was divinely revealed. And so whatever it took to make it a reality I would pursue. But that desire was butting up against my own personal limitations and I could not figure out how to progress forward. My mind raced even faster and eventually made another very wrong turn. A second delusion manifested: I thought I could be successful if I were Jesus Christ come again.
That path is a very lonely, very dark, road to travel. No one should want to walk it. For not only will you be wrong, you will travel that road alone, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Nor should I have thought to travel it given the first message received twenty years prior. But what was true twenty years ago may not be necessarily true today. Or so I thought.
Thinking I was Jesus Christ did not suddenly open any new insights into my thinking. Because, well, I am not Jesus Christ. But the racing thoughts were making me frantic. I was dealing with delusion upon delusion. At points I screamed out in frustration. I believed I was divine and still could not perform the task I alone was meant to accomplish. It was exhausting and frightening because I felt if I, Jesus Christ, couldn’t figure it out it would never happen. It was the weight of not just our World on my shoulders but multiple other Worlds as well. And it was absolutely crushing. I was slowly losing my mind inside the delusions, which I could not find the beginning nor end to. Fortunately however the last day of this five day manic episode took place within a hospital emergency ward. My spouse had thankfully driven me to the local hospital emergency department after realizing I had not slept in several days. It was here, inside an emergency observation room, where the second vision manifested.
To be clear, while being without sleep for approximately five days a vision appeared to me that today I believe was not the product of a delusional mind but instead was a divine revelation. At the same time I know that there were other delusions interspersed with the vision, yet my belief remains that the vision itself was not delusional. This despite knowing that current medical research tells us that after only three days delusions and illusions are to be expected. And with all that I must acknowledge that clearly there is room for outside skepticism that the vision was divine revelation.
But I also believe, at least for now, that it has to be this way.
At least for now there must always be an alternate explanation that does not involve The Divine.
At least for now there must never be conclusive proof of The Divine that will convert the masses because Their Divine Hiddenness must always remain sacrosanct.
But how do I personally rationalize the distinction I make between the delusional thoughts and beliefs, and the divine vision? The delusions were my own thoughts. My own beliefs built upon earlier thoughts. The thoughts and beliefs formed a house of cards within my mind until eventually a final level was added that I could not rationalize. The final flawed level was not me being Jesus Christ. That thought scared me tremendously but I could not rationalize it away. It was the next level. If I was Jesus Christ, The Divine Son of God, then I should be capable of bringing about, or helping to bring about, the second vision. But despite trying I eventually conceded that I absolutely could not have any significant role in such an endeavor. I humbly admitted that I was not technically capable today and could never become technically capable in the future to play any such role. And if that was true I knew that I must not be Jesus Christ come again. To my great relief the second delusion collapsed entirely. Great enough that my mind eventually settled. I fell asleep in that hospital observation room for the first time in nearly six days.
The second vision, which was intertwined with the second delusion was different. It was not supported by any delusions and stood on its own. But more significantly when it manifested there was an associated feeling of tremendous hope. It is why I raced to try and rationalize how I could make it succeed. The delusional thoughts and beliefs were often frantic and provided me with no comfort. But the second vision felt beautiful. Beautiful enough that I have come to believe it came from The Divine.
This worst manic episode of my life would have lingering effects. Even after getting some sleep I remembered the delusional thoughts and the conclusion that I must not be Jesus Christ based on the lack of my technical capabilities. In so doing I regained a sense of who I was. But I retained the first delusion and failed to come up with a way to help bring the planets together. Who should I contact? What should I say? My inability to even make some progress on the first delusion saddened me greatly.
Shortly thereafter I was transferred out of the emergency observation room into the mental health ward of my local hospital. Thankfully.
It took me many days and much more thinking to realize my error that helped bring about the first delusion. The vision was not presented so I could figure out how to accomplish it. Instead it was a vision of humanity’s potential as discussed in a previous post. It was a vision requiring all of us, including a great many future generations. Not just me. And with that the first delusion, me being a key to achieving the second vision, faded away as well.
What was left was my current belief in what the second vision is: a vision for all of humanity. My mind had to come to the brink of losing itself completely before it could come to that conclusion. This was my experience and it is was traumatic. Enough so, that I hope no further visions are forthcoming.
And how do I know I’m right? I don’t. I merely believe my interpretation of the second vision to be true. It is not knowledge. It is only my belief. A belief that presumes, among other things, the vivid depiction of that second vision holds meaning.
Let me also be very clear. I know now, with absolute certainty, that I am not Jesus Christ, nor will I ever be. That to believe otherwise is a serious mental health issue which I absolutely do not want to make light of.
I should also note that due to these past mental health issues I have had this blog reviewed by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist to confirm that nothing contained herein is symptomatic of any current mental health issues. Both agreed that this blog contains no such material. In summary, I am today, a rational person who believes my god has delivered me visions and messages which have spurred me to think about what my core beliefs truly are.
Of course the question will inevitably arise in some/most/all reader’s minds: Were the visions and messages random concoctions of a deluded mind, or were they something more? It is a fair question and I can understand both conclusions. But I have a unique perspective: I felt the visions and messages. And so for me they were something more. Something beautiful: a god speaking directly to one of Their creations. Sending me messages of hope and love in an effort to mend my tortured soul which was grappling with what it believes and in the process struggling to maintain it’s own sanity.
I believe the visions and messages were not delusional or psychotic however delusions and psychosis were intermixed as I struggled to unwrap the meaning of those visions and messages. Were the delusions a test to be waded through in order to uncover the underlying truths? Tests to ensure my heart was in the right place and I did not succumb to them? A test of my love that if passed would result in the remarkable belief that the Divine is providing me with revelations, but if I failed would result in a serious mental heath issue? No. I do not believe so. The merciful and loving god, I have come to believe in, would not administer such a test.
Perhaps The Greatest Love was guiding me? Teaching me how to hear, see, and feel Their signs. A way of preparing the rational mind for conclusions that transcend rational thought.
Whatever the reason my revelations were accompanied by delusions, what I do know is that the end result for me was a belief system based on love, shaped and molded by visions and messages too powerful to ignore.