In an earlier post I described the different types of love as they were defined by the ancient Greeks. I noted however that every one of our relationships borrow from many of the defined types and to different degrees. So to compare two different loving relationships, no two of which are the same, can quickly overwhelm us. Love is infinitely complex and comparing two relationships built on love can be fraught with difficulty.
But does a comparison become more feasible if we constrain it even further by comparing two examples of the same type of love? The type I wish to focus this post on is the romantic love (i.e. Eros) between human couples. Assuming that we could isolate only those aspects of romantic love that exists in two relationships could an objective outside observer compare those two examples for the purposes of determining which one is deeper than the other?
The best we can do is assess the love based on the outward expressions, or actions, that manifest and whatever thoughts and feelings the pair is willing to honestly share. But short of abhorrent indications, it can easily provide a poor assessment as there are any number of reasons why a deep romantic love may not manifest in a number of meaningful actions while words may belie the strength of the couples thoughts and feelings. There is too much variability between the given depth of such a love and the expressions that manifest. The depth of love between two partners is not for humankind to precisely calculate. It entails an infinitely complex calculus dependent on a complete understanding of each partner’s mind, body, and soul.
Which brings us to marriage equality and LGBTQ+ rights. When a heterosexual couple and an LGBTQ+ couple both say they love each other enough to provide a lifelong commitment to each other who are we to say if one love is different or greater than the other? Can we peer inside their hearts to calculate the depth of the love they have for one another?
No we cannot.
And so I see no alternative. In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, if an LGBTQ+ couple can love each other to the same depth as a heterosexual couple their love must be viewed with equal worth. The only question, for me, that remains for LGBTQ+ marriage is whether a commitment to their enduring love is the purpose of marriage? There are certainly alternatives. An often cited, less emotional, purpose for marriage is the creation of an exclusive and permanent commitment between two persons. In other words a binding legal agreement. Certainly this is one component of marriage and arguably the component that our legal institutions are most interested in. And by this standard there would be nothing that would preclude LGBTQ+ marriages. But I still question whether it is true purpose of marriage.
Some religious doctrine cites procreation as the reason for marriage. But I do not believe this to be the case. As I stated earlier, love trumps life itself. Creating new life, procreation, is not why a society recognizes a marriage as valid, less infertile couples be restricted from the institution. Procreation is just one of the many expressions of the true purpose of marriage.
To speak of marriage without speaking of love is to miss its true purpose. I believe that The Greatest Love is most concerned about whether a couple has established the roots of their relationship in love before formalizing that relationship in marriage. Then for that couple to provide an equal commitment to each other before friends, family, and their god, if any. A commitment not just to share a lifetime together, but that during that lifetime they will make the continuous, concerted, and often times difficult effort to grow their love. A love that can become deep and powerful with roots that spread out into a community. These roots help bind the greater social fabric together. Marriage exists to provide a sanctuary in which love can flourish.
Yes such a purpose does not lend itself to legislation or regulation that must accompany the institution in a civil society. But I am not proposing amending any laws to incorporate love into the definition of marriage. Instead I only argue for what I believe in my heart. That for The Greatest Love, love is the bedrock for any marriage, and both partners must commit equally, over each of their lifetimes, to their love for one another.
Returning to LGBTQ+ marriage, nothing in the above understanding precludes the union of same-sex couples. Quite the opposite. Love is not limited to heterosexual couples, nor should marriage be. Still opponents of same-sex marriage often ask whether the recognition of such marriages can lead to unions between any persons in general? Does it give credence to the slippery slope argument that the institution of marriage is somehow being diluted with the acceptance of LGBTQ+ marriage? That the eventual outcome will be the recognition of polygamy or child marriages, for example?
The legal purpose of marriage has evolved over time to reflect society’s ever changing values. So do I fear a day when the institution of marriage somehow embraces the aberrations of love that are polygamy and child marriages, based on the ever evolving opinions of the masses? No I do not. Because I believe the inclusion of LGBTQ+ couples into the legal definition of marriage points to a very different path that humanity is rightfully taking. It points to a path based on an equality of commitment. The formation of equal partnerships rooted in love. Yes the word “love” may never enter our law books that regulate marriage. But love will, I believe, always be the fundamental consideration of The Greatest Love in blessing any union.
Partners to marriage must have an understanding of it that is mature enough, and loving enough that they are both able to freely make an equal and lifelong commitment to each other and which does no demonstrable harm to society. Polygamy and child marriages do not meet that standard. LGBTQ+ marriages do.
Polygamy occurs when one man’s love is shared amongst multiple women while at the same time requiring the full love and attention of each of those women in return. Their commitment to each other is therefore unequal as is their love. It is misogynistic and it is an aberration of love.
A child marriage must be considered a manipulative relationship where the adult’s emotional maturity is wielded as a weapon against the child. It is not the coming together of two equals in love. How can it be? A sufficient understanding of love requires a maturity that a child cannot possibly possess. It is not just an aberration of love, it is preying on the innocent and must rightfully be condemned by all loving societies.
The above two aberrant relationships can never reflect an equal commitment to love. I believe that over time their acceptance will decline and slowly fade away as fundamental rights for women and children become more widely recognized. However LGBTQ+ relationships can represent such an equal commitment, and thus should be afforded the same rights and privileges as heterosexual couples. And I believe in my heart that my god, The Greatest Love, based on everything I believe Them to be, blesses such unions as equal to any other loving couples.
Finally I’ll end this post with the words of President Barack Obama speaking on the United States Supreme Court’s decision for marriage equality. His statement that “love is love” made me ponder the possibilities, and inspired this post. I believe there are many attributes and definitions, concepts and types associated with human love, and that no two relationships between partners are the same. But when love is the guiding star, the ultimate truth of marriage, as in life, then I believe there is nothing that humankind should do to preclude the union of any two loving souls that are willing to make an equal and lifelong commitment to each other. A commitment that does no harm to society and which the state must be willing to recognize under the law. This truth holds regardless of any social class, caste, culture, creed or color differences between the partners.
And it holds true regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation.
There is no heterosexual romantic love or homosexual romantic love. There is only the love that is shared between loving couples. Given that context love is truly love.
A Love Story 