It was one of my first delusions and it was also my last. It has faded from my mind in the past only to reemerge multiple times throughout the years. The belief that I am Jesus Christ come again. I discussed the first, and second time it has occurred. However it manifested a third and final time as well. It is this final manifestation which occurred in the spring of 2018 which I wish to discuss in this post.
My second manic episode would begin a journey for me that started with many racing thoughts and sleepless nights. I was scared because I knew, based on the first manic episode some 20 years prior, where this was heading. And it was heading towards a tumultuous period in my life albeit one shepherded by my god. The problem was this time I had a family to consider. A family which I loved dearly. And a family which I knew in my heart I loved more than my god. I was willing to lose a lot on this journey but I was not willing to lose them. It was my line in the sand and I stated as much in my prayers to The Greatest Love.
It was the first time that I admitted to my god, and myself, that my family was more important to me than Them. That admission lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders and in response the feeling which accompanied it was compassion and understanding. I felt The Greatest Love was blessing such a love. And in those same prayers I said I would take this journey with Them if no harm came to my family. Again the feeling in response was compassion and understanding. I felt They were promising my family such protections. But it was that promise, that no harm would come to them, that would set the groundwork for ending the Jesus delusions once and for all.
Every time this delusion manifested the feeling within me, my own feeling, was always dread. I did not want to be Jesus Christ nor bear the enormous burden such an individual would need to hold aloft. It would be tremendously difficult and may crush me like it did on the second occasion. But many signs were pointing me in that direction. With enough signs I would then rationalize the first message away. I would convince myself that I was Christ. And through these Jesus delusions I have learned an important warning: one can believe in signs but still fail horribly in interpreting them.
I have misinterpreted several signs in my life some of which brought with them a diagnosis of delusionality. It is why, as discussed in a previous post, I see signs differently now, and only reluctantly interpret them after very careful consideration. But that is today. Back in 2018 I was willing to wear the label and stigma of “delusional” if I felt I was right about my interpretations. And in all the cases it required a rationalization to show that I was wrong, thereby allowing me to break free of the delusion.
The first time, which occurred more than 25 years ago, required the voice of my god and the first message to convince me I was wrong. The second time: a psychotic break from reality to convince me the delusion was not possible. But it is this third repudiation that would be the strongest, and the last.
How do you prove to someone they are not Jesus Christ who is basing that assessment on their own interpretation of multiple obscure signs? How can you prove to them, for example, that the a clap of thunder is not a sign from their god? Beliefs can be tenacious and disproving them, depending upon what they are, can prove to be impossible.
I needed to be shown that I was wrong, either by a volume of empirical evidence or logical reasoning. And although I have many faults, one of my passions is reasoning. I enjoy the challenge of logic and I can spend days solving such puzzles that intrigue me. But I have also learned that my mind can be susceptible to delusions when it starts to race. When the thoughts are being formed faster than they can be properly reasoned through. It happens when I am under enormous stress in my life. And I accept it now as a mental health condition that I need to monitor for the rest of my life.
So what was the logic that eventually convinced me for a final time that I was not Jesus Christ? It originated with my love and it happened nearly instantaneously.
Fast forward many months and by this time I had been hospitalized a couple of times, for about a month in total dealing with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and psychosis diagnosis’ from the effects of my second Jesus delusion. It was after those hospitalizations, during my outpatient care where the Jesus delusion manifested for a third time. There were various signs which I misinterpreted which led me to this conclusion again. What those signs were I can no longer recall but it is not substantive to this discussion. Suffice it to say I was completely convinced for a third time that I was Jesus Christ. The dread had not yet appeared but I suspect it would have if the delusion continued to grow. But this time instead of growing, the delusion abruptly ended in one session with my partner and psychiatrist.
I remember the session vividly and specifically my partner’s reaction when I said I thought I was Jesus Christ. It was the first time I admitted in front of any person that I thought I was Christ. The previous two times I had kept the thought between myself and my god. I did not even tell my doctors what I truly thought, until this final time. And it was my partner’s anguish over my statement that is forever seared into my memory. She cried. Tears of pain. And I knew immediately something was very wrong.
This journey was not supposed to hurt my family. And yet it was doing just that. I believed in the promise my god had given me months earlier. So what could explain these tears? There was only one possibility: I was wrong and so it was I who was hurting my partner. I was not Jesus Christ. I had misinterpreted the signs and come to one of those, previously mentioned, horrible interpretations.
With that the third delusion of me being Jesus Christ abruptly ended and has never returned. It no longer occupies any of my thoughts. It simply no longer makes sense to me because it would cause the people I love to suffer. I know that now with certainty and that rationalization, based on my deepest love – that which I have for my partner, trumps all other logic for me. As well as all other signs, messages, or visions from my god. If any of those other sources of belief conflict with the love for my family then those other sources, or my understanding of them, must be wrong.
When I was slowly losing my mind within the delusions for a third time it was this bedrock which prevented me from falling into an abyss. It was this touchstone that I could place absolute certainty within. Today it grounds me and gives my life purpose and direction. Such a bedrock cannot be supplied by science. It does not include scientific truths like the sun will always rise tomorrow, or the tides will inevitably rise and fall. When my World was slipping away from me these were not the truths that I could reach out to, grab on to, and use to help pull me back. These could not stop my endless descent.
There is only one thing that I could entrust my sanity to and which I knew in my heart to be true: I love my family dearly and they love me in return. Together we form my bedrock. Others may find that their bedrock is their faith, or their god, or scientific truths and the laws of nature. And this is all fine. But I do not.
The Greatest Love is deeply important to me and I love Them dearly as well, but today my family and I are my bedrock. Tomorrow that may change. Tomorrow I may see all that I hold most dear gone from my life and I will need to seek out another bedrock on which to rebuild. What a tragic time that would be! But I also believe The Greatest Love will always be there to support me. Despite the love of my family that exists in my life today I know that They will be there for me if I ever lose such a love. They stand ready to be my temporary bedrock, if and when I ever need to find one anew.
But today I have my family, and my friends, and my colleagues, and my community. I have humanity and I pray that the days when I feel I have lost all of them are behind me. The days when I solely had my god to ground me and provide me solace were powerful, but also very, very desolate.
And so anything which impacts my current bedrock must be addressed quickly. When a belief, any belief, shakes that bedrock by bringing my partner to tears then it is time to reconsider that belief immediately. The promise I made with my god, and my own personal well-being, could not bear the possibility that I could harm them in any way. And this is where my situation differs from the passages of the Old Testament including Abraham’s binding of Isaac. The Greatest Love no longer wants us to act out of a reverence for Them, but out of a love for all, especially those we love most deeply. It was such a deep, but human love which saved me from my last delusion and upon which my sanity was rebuilt.
The depth of love that can be shared between human beings on this World is so powerful that it can form a basis on which to build one’s life upon. It may not have always been that way. But I believe it is now. And I also believe The Greatest Love not only understands this, They bless the choice and no longer demand that we love Them before all others.
This is what I believe.
A Love Story 