Visions for me were extremely powerful. I have only had two in my life and both are described in this blog. They were as vivid as reality yet completely detached from it. I knew what I was seeing was not real but still the images were so vivid that my mind raced to understand them. It is in trying to understand those images that many of my beliefs were formed.
One may argue the visions were mere fabrications of a deluded mind and held no special significance. I can understand that opinion but I also disagree. The visions held meaning for me which persists to this day. However in trying to extract that meaning my mind had to veer into dark corners where no person should want to tread. Psychosis and delusions lied there and this post is about one of those dark corners.
The second vision caused my mind to race in order to make sense of it. I knew what I was seeing but my thoughts quickly switched to how I alone could accomplish it. It was the first of two delusions that were spawned by my attempts to rationalize the second vision, and helped to account for my first and only medical diagnoses of psychosis.
Now one person cannot physically traverse the vastness of interstellar space to bring multiple planets together. It takes many people of many nations, centuries if not millennia, of technological and societal advances to do that. I understood this, but in my psychotic state I pretended to play an initial leadership role in such an endeavor for some time. My mind raced and eventually made another very wrong turn. A second delusion manifested itself: I thought I could be successful if I were Jesus Christ come again.
That path is a very lonely, very dark, road to travel. No one should want to walk it. For not only will you be wrong, you will travel that road alone, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Nor should I have thought to travel it given the first message received twenty years prior. But what was true twenty years ago may not be necessarily true today. Or so I thought.
Thinking I was Jesus Christ did not suddenly open any new insights into my thinking. Because, well, I wasn’t Jesus Christ. But the thoughts were making me frantic. I was dealing with delusion upon delusion. At points I screamed out in frustration. I believed I was divine and still could not perform the task I alone was meant to accomplish. It was exhausting and frightening because I felt if I, Jesus Christ, couldn’t figure it out it would never happen. It was the weight of not just our World on my shoulders but multiple other Worlds as well. And it was absolutely crushing. I was slowly losing my mind inside the delusions, which I could not find the beginning nor end to.
Fortunately much of this train of thought was playing out in a hospital emergency ward and fortunately my failure, and my acceptance of it, made me realize I must not be Jesus Christ. In so doing I regained the sense of who I was as the second delusion faded away. But I retained the first delusion and failed to come up with a way to bring the planets together and this saddened me tremendously.
Shortly thereafter I was admitted to the mental health ward of my local hospital. Thankfully.
It took me many days and much more thinking to realize my error that helped bring about the first delusion. The vision was not presented so I could figure out how to accomplish it. Instead it was a vision of humanity’s potential as discussed in a previous post. It was a vision requiring all of us, including a great many future generations. Not just me. And with that the first delusion, me being the key to achieving the second vision, faded away as well.
What was left was my current belief in what the second vision was: a vision for all of humanity. My mind had to come to the brink of losing itself completely before it could come to that conclusion. This was my experience and it is was traumatic. Enough so, that I hope no further visions are forthcoming.
And how do I know I’m right? I don’t. I merely believe my interpretation of the second vision to be true. It is not knowledge. It is only my belief. A belief that presumes, among other things, the vivid depiction of that second vision holds meaning.
Let me also be clear. I know now, with absolute certainty, that I am not Jesus Christ, nor will I ever be. That to believe otherwise is a serious mental health issue which I absolutely do not want to make light of.
I should also note that due to these past mental health issues I have had this blog reviewed by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist to confirm that nothing contained herein is symptomatic of any current mental health issues. Both agreed that this blog contains no such material. In summary, I am today, a rational person who believes my god has delivered me visions and messages which has spurred me to think about what my core beliefs truly are.
Of course the question will inevitably arise in some/most/all reader’s minds: Were the visions and messages random concoctions of a deluded mind, or were they something more? It’s a fair question and I can understand both conclusions. But I have a unique perspective: I felt the visions and messages. And so for me they were something more. Something beautiful: a god speaking directly to one of Their creations. Sending me messages of hope and love in an effort to mend my tortured soul which was grappling with what it believes and at times grappling with its own sanity.
I believe the visions and messages were not delusional or psychotic however delusions and psychosis were intermixed as I struggled to unwrap the meaning of those visions and messages. Were the delusions a test to be waded through in order to uncover the underlying truths? Tests to ensure my heart was in the right place and I did not succumb to them? Was the psychosis a necessary precursor to divine communication? A way of preparing the rational mind for something that defies rational thought? I do not know the answers to these questions.
What I do know is that the end result for me was a belief system based on love, shaped and molded by visions and messages too powerful to ignore.