A few days after the first message I found myself beginning to drift downwards again. The experience of that message brought me back from an abyss but still I was left rudderless and exhausted, unsure of what my purpose in life truly was. I had moved back to my parent’s home but was feeling alone, confused and scared. It was at my parent’s home where I experienced the first vision of my life.
It was late at night. My parents were both asleep. I was roaming the halls, thinking about all that had transpired, feeling exceptionally anxious to the point where it was keeping me awake. To relieve the anxiety I closed my eyes to take a deep breath and that is when it appeared.
Visually it was flames not unlike staring at a robust fire. Despite my eyes being tightly closed the vision was as vivid as reality but it was the feeling that I will never forget. That feeling was one of being completely and utterly alone. Never before and not ever since have I been so terrified. In that moment I was brought to tears. Tears of fear. I opened my eyes and the vision was gone and the feeling muted.
But what would happen if I shut my eyes again? Would the vision return?
I felt there was no person I could turn to. No one who could understand what was happening to me. And so I turned to the family dog lying on my bed. An affectionate black lab named Tasha. For when the entire human race feels lost to you, the love of an animal can be enough to maintain your sanity. Petting her quietly and with her gently licking the tears from my face I closed my eyes again.
The vision and feeling did not reappear. Nor has it ever since.
But the original feeling?
I believe that was Hell.
For Hell, I believe, is first and foremost a feeling. A feeling of being completely alone in the Universe without even your god by your side. It is utterly terrifying, not because of what you experience but because of what you don’t: one single soul, your own and no others.
That vision of Hell was brief and I believe now it was The Greatest Love’s way of introducing me to the power of love especially as it manifests between two loving souls; its ability to alleviate our pain and walk us back from the darkest of places. In so doing The Greatest Love made an exception. They allowed me to reach out from within that experience of Hell and feel the love of another. One of the simplest forms of love: that between myself and my dog. And that was enough to provide the necessary solace to lead me away from the abyss. In so doing The Greatest Love had taught me that even the simplest forms of love can be powerful enough to overcome that most fearsome of fires.
But it was also to give me confidence. To allow me to be true to myself and my own beliefs. I journeyed to Hell and felt its rage in order to help me come to terms with my own beliefs. I will share the rest of my story with confidence even though others may judge or deride me. So long as I am true to myself I believe my god will always be by my side.
So with that, in my next post, I’d like to talk about my fundamental beliefs.